Cameron and Clegg to run country from "Tiki-Hub"

Despite only having been prime minister for only 24 hours, David Cameron has been quick to stamp his mark on No. 10 Downing Street. As a strange quirk of fate would have it, new coalition depury PM and Cameron have spent much of their power sharing meetings bonding over their love of all things South Pacific. On a recent family holiday to Hawaii, David Cameron was heard remarking to his wife, Sameron Cameron, "Shit me, love. If those dopey cunts back home vote me in, I'm going to go tits up spastic in the cabinet office with those big fucking masks. I reckon some fucking bamboo might be a nice touch too." Nick Clegg's well documented love of the ukulele and swaying in a listless manner whilst wearing a grass skirt has been a major contributing factor to the relative success and brevity of the power sharing talks. Plans are now afoot to gut the traditional decoration at No 10 to make way for carved stone heads, palms and even a scaled down model of a volcano! Clegg commented: "I fucking love volcanoes, fucking love 'em. There's no cunt that's gonna stick around and give the UK a hard time if I'm packing a tiny volcano in my fucking lobby. Take that Bin Laden! Not so smart now you're covered in shitting magma are you, you fucking shitty cunt?"

Clegg and Cameron have even discussed holding all night discussions and cabinet hula parties in a specially designed "Tiki-Hub". Piss taking racist and Tiki enthusiast, Boyd Rice has been drafted in from the Church of Satan in California as a "ambience consultant". "Boyd is a fucking Tiki genius." said Cameron, "He's already ordered some massive fucking heads carved from basalt from Vanuatu. To be honest, he shit me up a bit when we first met, as he wouldn't stop going on about stuff like the Turner Diaries and the race wars and shit, but he's pretty down-to-earth once you get past that. Vince Cable had a bit of a problem with him at first, but as soon as we'd all had a few Planter's Punches and a bit of a fucking dance, he shut his fucking mouth a bit." Asked if the leadership intended to roll out the theme to constuency offices, Cameron said "To be fair, I don't really give a shit. Once they're in No 10, they're towing the fucking line though".

There have also been rumblings around Westminster that the Trident nuclear deterrant may be pencilled in for a £40 billion makeover. Instead of wiping out target cities with hundreds of megatonnes of Uranium, Clegg is rumoured to have proposed dancing around a giant bubbling cauldron full of offal whilst waving a spear and petitioning his heathen gods in the hope that the desired target has a nasty fall or perhaps a rather sore throat in the near future. Trident is not the only area which looks set for reform. Former schools secretary, Ed Balls has said: "These fucking dicks are going to shaft secondary education right up it's arse". Instead of traditional second language choices, such as French, German or Spanish, children have now been asked to choose between Tongan, Samoan and Fijian once they reach Year 9 with Hawaiian compulsory to GCSE level. Says Clegg: "Balls can fuck the shit off. Look at the state of the fucking country. He's done well, fucking prick. Did you know that the Cook Islands have the lowest level of teenage pregnancy in the world? We need to apply these values to our country."

In the meantime, the Conservatives and Lib Dems are celebrating the brokerage of their power sharing deal. Says Cameron: "I'm going to get shitted. I can concentrate on trying to fuck this little wank-hole island in the arse after I've drunk my volume in rum."